


We keep this love in a photograph/5 times Dan and Phil were not soulmates and the one time they were

by ChristinMKay



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 02:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8732203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristinMKay/pseuds/ChristinMKay
Summary: Dan and Phil meet in a world in which you stop again when you turn 18 and only continue ageing when you have found your soulmate. While Phil does not particularly care about soulmates, Dan hates that he is not ageain. However, as the years pass it seems like he and Phil are, but that can't be, they are not soulmates, right? It doesn't help that every one thinks to know better than Dan and Phil, and that Dan has a crush on Phil.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I wrote this months ago and never got around to post it, I wish I had posted it before Dapgo (you will see why at the end) but well here it is and I am so happy with this. Apologies for spelling/grammar mistakes I have dyslexia.

When Dan turns 18 he doesn’t want to open his eyes, he doesn’t want this day to come. Until you turn 18 the world you are living in is easy to ignore. Dan doesn’t have this luxury anymore. When you turn 18 you will be reminded that there are rules you have to play by.

Dan’s parents wish him a happy birthday, give him a cake and make him open his presents.

“You look very handsome today,” his mother tells him, and Dan gives her a fake smile. He knows she does it to comfort him, but he doesn’t find any in her words. He has not dared to look into a mirror yet, afraid of what he will see. The face he will have to live with for the next couple of years. If he is unlucky even decades. Maybe he is even one of the unfortunate ones who have to wait centuries. Those who die with the face of an 18 year old and an old, broken, empty heart.

Dan used to love birthdays, but today he just feels down. Not even a skype call from Phil can cheer him up.

“Come on, smile,” the other boy tells him. “You only turn 18 once.”

And then stay 18 for decades, Dan thinks.  He doesn’t say it though. Despite the four years age difference between him and Phil, Phil doesn’t look one day older than 18. Phil probably suffers under it as well, even though he never shows it.

  
“How do you do it?” Dan asks. “How do you manage living your life with the daily reminder that you haven’t found your soulmate yet?” And how can you still be smiling like the sun every day? How can you be the most cheerful and happiest person I know, Dan adds in his thoughts.

“Well I just imagine I am a vampire, chances are high I will meet Buffy one day,” Phil jokes, and Dan laughs. Phil always manages to crack Dan up, no matter how bad Dan is feeling.

“You should take a picture, so you can always see if you have aged,” Phil suggests suddenly.

Dan is not quite sure about it. “Have you taken one on the day you turned 18?” he asks.

Phil shakes his head. “Though I definitely should have.”

“Then we should take on together, when I will be visiting you in September,” Dan says.

“What if one of us meets their soulmate until then? There are four months until September,” Phil’s voice sounds whiney when he mentions the time until September. Dan can understandwhy, he counts every single day.

“Even if, it’s not like we are gonna age immensely in the next four months,” he argues. Also he doubts that he will find his soulmate in the next four months. And a small part deep, deep inside of him hopes that Phil won’t find his neither.

In that moment his mother calls him down, his friends have arrived. Dan snorts. His friends. They haven’t really seen each other since graduation a couple of weeks ago. Some friendships just stop when the rest of life begins.

He quickly says good bye to Phil, promising to call later again. He hates hanging up on his best friend.

Going out with his friends is just as much fun as Dan had anticipated. All his friends can talk about is moving out, going to university, their plans for life. Dan can’t really contribute to the conversation. He doesn’t have a plan for his life. It’s hard enough for him to decide what to have for lunch on the next day, how can he have planned out his life. He has no idea what he wants to do. And he feels lost. Incredibly lost. He doesn’t belong with his friends anymore, or with his family. However, he has also no idea where he possibly could belong.

***

Here. This is where I belong, Dan thinks as he hugs Phil for the first time. Right here in Phil’s arms. Neither of them really wants to let go. Eventually they stop hugging, but continue to stand in each other’s personal space.

Phil shows Dan Machester, but Dan only has eyes for Phil. He doesn’t even notice that Phil seems to have a similar problem.

“We wanted to take a picture,” Phil reminds Dan. “And then we should post it on dailybooth.”

Dan nods. He still is not very fond of the idea, but Phil is smiling so excitedly, Dan could never say no to that smile.

“Okay let’s do it.”

***

  
Dan is turning 19 next month. Crazy how the time flies, even if you take a year off and do nothing. Nothing in this case being filming youtube videos, skype calls with Phil, and trying to meet Phil as often as possible. Phil who is right now sprawled on his bedroom floor, still laughing about a question a subscriber sent them. Dan loves Phil’s laughter. The way his tongue peeks out between his teeth, the way his eyes crinkle.  

“I can’t wait for you to move to Manchester,” Phil tells him after he is done giggling. “We can film far more videos together.”

“Phil, I’m moving to Manchester to go to university. Not to make more videos with you,” Dan smiles.

“Not? I thought that was the only reason you were moving to Manchester. Because you miss me so much,” Phil teases.

That is the reason why I picked Manchester, you spork, Dan thinks. Still he looks forward to go to university, despite his lazy nature. He finally has a plan, he finally isn’t lost anymore.

***

  
The feeling of being lost returns the moment he set foot in his new room. Prison cell would be a more accurate term, Dan thinks. Also studying is harder than he originally thought. Thankfully he can seek refuge at Phil’s place any time. It keeps him sane. It also makes filming videos easier. His roommates already think that he is a weirdo, hearing Dan talk to himself doesn’t make things better.

After he is done filming with his videos he and Phil often play video games together, or watch a movie until they both fall asleep. Dan loves waking up on Phil’s couch. And while his back protests violently, Dan doesn’t give a damn, as long as Phil snuggles closer against him. Dan likes to wake up before Phil on those days and stare down at the sleeping boy. He always has to suppress the urge to stroke the fringe out of Phil’s face and press a kiss against Phil’s forehead. In those moments Dan has trouble denying that he has a crush on Phil.

Their fans have apparently picked up on it. “Are you two soulmates?” they often ask.

“Have you seen us age?” they always reply with a hint of sarcasm.

“You do look different than in 2009,” someone says one day. Dan hesitates. He is 20 by now, but does he look like it? It is true, they don’t look like they used to back in 2009. But they are not soulmates. Wouldn’t they know if they were soulmates, Dan wonders. If they were soulmates, they would have stopped being platonic a long time ago.  
In that exact moment Phil leans over Dan’s shoulder, and Dan sucks in a sharp breath.

“I think it’s because our hair is longer,” he says.

“What?”

“We look different because our hair is longer,” Phil repeats, and finally lifts his chin from Dan’s shoulder to go around the couch and sit next to Dan.

“So I am supposed to tell them, it’s because you look like a girl?” Dan teases.

“Oi,” Phil slaps him playfully. “Your hair is longer than mine.”

Their banter continues, and they once more only notice at two in the morning how much time has passed.

“I don’t want to go back,” Dan says tiredly, and rests his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“Maybe you should move in then,” Phil suggests. Two months later they move into their own first apartment together. Dan feels home again after a long time.

***

  
Phil finds Dan lying face first down on the floor. It’s not the first time. Slowly he lies down next to Dan.

“Was it the inevitability of death again,” he asks softly, but Dan shakes his head. It was not an existential crisis like usually that brought Dan down to the floor.

“It’s university,” he says, his voice sounds broken and defeated. It pains Phil to see Dan like this.

He can deal with Dan complaining that life seems pointless considering that we will all die one day. And how can people possibly find comfort in seeking for their soulmate? Finding your soulmates even makes you die faster. Phil had replied that Dan almost sounded like a bitter immortal. “Even immortals die,” Dan had replied.

He can handle Dan being all cynical about life, but lately that has not been what has been bothering Dan.

Phil knows that Dan hates university, hates studying law. It slowly destroys him on the inside, and Phil can’t bear to watch it. He hates that there is a frown on his best friend’s face where there used to be such a radiant smile. He hates that he sometimes can hear Dan cry in his bedroom, and he hates himself even more for not going in and trying to fix things.

“Dan,” he says after they have been lying down for a while. “Have you considered quitting university?”

Dan just snorts. “To do what then?”

Phil shrugs. “Something that makes you happy.”

***

  
“You look different,” his mother tells Phil on Christmas.

“Hmm?” He looks up from his unwrapped presents. In his hands he holds the plushy Dan has given him. “Sorry, I’m just worried about Dan. He is telling his parents that he dropped out of university.”

His mother gives him an understanding smile. “I’m sure every thing will be fine,” she tries to cheer her son up. “But is there maybe something else you want to tell me about Dan?”

“What do you mean?”

“You look different,” his mother says once more. This time with more emphasis. Phil plays with the crinkled wrapping paper. His thoughts are still mainly with Dan. He still doesn’t catch what his mother is getting at.

“I’m eating a bit healthier,” he tells her. “And Dan and I started running together. We probably won’t manage to do that for a longer time. But I guess I just lost my baby fat, and that’s the reason why.”

He doesn’t see the way his mother rolls her eyes as she gets up. “Maybe you should call him,” she suggests.

“Being so oblivious is your heritage,” she tells Phil’s dad, after Phil has disappeared to call Dan. “He possibly cannot have gotten it from me.”

“Maybe he is not oblivious,” Phil’s father says. “Maybe he is just hopelessly in love. So hopelessly in love that he doesn’t even notice.”

***

  
Dan is staring at a spot on the wall. The same spot he has been staring at for the past hour. He is sick of Manchester. He is sick of the way his parents act since he told them that he dropped out of university. He is sick of fans asking about Phil and him being soulmates again and again and again. He and Phil are not soulmates. They never have been, they never will be. They are also not dating. The fans are just a constant reminder that Phil does not have feelings for Dan. And the feelings Dan has, he swallows down, to the pit of his stomach, where they turn into anger.

“I need something new,” he tells Phil over dinner.

“Okay,” Phil takes another bite of his sandwich. “Let’s move to London together.”

Dan drops his fork.

“What?”

“All youtubers are in London. Who knows, maybe the BBC offers us another radio show. And it would be something new,” Phil explains.  
Dan did not expect that suggestion at all. When he said he needed something new, he thought of doing something new without Phil. Moving to a different place. Alone.

Dan stares into his spaghetti, before he looks up to tell Phil that he is not quite sure about it. But when he catches Phil’s eyes, he understands. Phil did know what he meant when he said, he needed something new. Phil tries to hide it, but Dan can see the fear in his eyes. The pleading of please don’t leave me, the pain of the possibility that Dan might be gone.

“Okay,” he says. “Let’s move to London together.”

Relief spreads on Phil’s face and he gives Dan one of his heart warming smiles.  Dan realises how stupid the idea had been. Phil is the best thing that has happened to him, and he knows it. It’s not Phil’s fault that Dan fell in love with him, and it’s not Phil’s fault that he doesn’t love Dan back. The hard feelings aside, they are still best friends. And Dan feels selfish thinking he was about to take Phil’s best friend away. Truth to be told he would probably be more miserable living without Phil, than living with Phil and suffering from unrequited feelings.

He still distances himself from Phil after they moved to London. It’s hard because he misses his best friend, but he needs space. Phil, selfless and caring as he is, gives Dan his space. And their fans seem to realise that Dan needs space too, and they drop the constant asking about soulmates.

***

  
Dan turns 22, they don’t celebrate big. They are still traumatised from Dan’s birthday in Vegas. Instead they are having a quiet night with their friends, enjoying dinner and some board games. Dan and Phil are not allowed to be on the same team, because they would win every game. They are a team again, though. The awkward silence is no longer awkward. They still sit further apart from each other than back during the time they first met, but it doesn’t feel like there is a wall between them anymore. Things have gotten easier.

  
They are in the middle of charade when PJ suddenly asks, “Is that a grey hair on the back of your head, Phil?”

Everybody falls silent, and all eyes rest on Phil. They all know what a grey hair would mean.

“You mean the streak of light hairs right there?” Phil asks and points to the back of his head. “They have always been that colour since the horrible dyeing incident of 8th grade.”

The tension leaves the group, and they all laugh. Everybody knows the story of how Phil dyed his hair bright orange the day before school. They all have seen the embarrassing pictures.

Dan starts to breathe again. He hadn’t even noticed that he had stopped. His and Phil’s eyes meet for a second. Dan knows that Phil would have told him if he was seeing someone. Or if he thought that he had met his soulmate. Phil’s look seems to confirm it. Don’t worry, I would have told you, say his eyes, and Dan finally relaxes completely. Dan knows the day that Phil will find his soulmate, he will break.

Maybe he should start to date, look out for his own soulmate. But he doesn’t want to. First of all the phandom would skin Dan’s potential soulmate alive, and nobody should have to go through this. Second of all he has always been amazingly good at wanting things he can’t have. And he wants Phil. Even after four years and two and a half crisis he is still stupidly in love with his best friend. Well and the heart wants what the heart wants. Dan wonders what Phil wants. He is also never dating. Their fans finding out is avoidable, so Dan never understood why Phil is not going out or bringing people home.

***

  
Phil lets out an exasperated sigh. Editing gaming videos is hard and takes its time. He never  has been happier about his degree in post production. As exhausting as editing the videos is, filming them is the most fun Phil had in a while. And it shows. The videos are hilarious, filled with laughter and banter. It is as if the last two years had never existed.

However, there is another thing he notices. Compared to their very first gaming video, which they casually filmed back in Manchester, they look older. Which should be impossible. They both have not found their soulmate. At least Phil has not, and despite it being unbelievably selfish, he hopes that Dan has neither.

“How is it going?” Dan’s voice startles Phil. “I thought I bring you some coffee and be distracting.”

He places the mug in front of Phil, who takes the coffee thankfully. “It’s difficult, but I manage,” he tells Dan. He doesn’t share any of his thoughts concerning  them possibly ageing.

“Wow our new camera really is high resolution. You can see every single pore,” Dan says, looking over Phil’s shoulder. “And every single of your strange moles,” he teases.

“Watch it,” Phil pretends to be offended. “It really is a better quality though,” he admits. Dan nods with a smile and leaves. Before he reaches the door, then turns around and adds, “The video could use some more comic sans,” and then he is gone.

Phil smiles to himself, and adds the horrible font. It’s the new camera, he tells himself. Same old us, new video quality.

***

  
There are dark circles under Dan’s eyes, his skin is as pale as Phil’s and he gained enough weight to be slightly more squishy than usual. When he looks in the mirror he looks like he could be in his mid thirties, not twenties. Writing a book and planning a tour and not being able to talk about it, is just pure stress. That’s what it is. Stress makes people age temporary, Dan thinks. He knows that the excuse is ridiculous, but he is used to being in denial. Both him and Phil have aged, and he knows it. Phil is also the only person he constantly sees in his life. He is aware of what this means, but he doesn’t like to think about it. Because that would mean accepting that Phil does not love him. At least not the way Dan does. Platonic soulmates exist, they are rare but they do exist. Dan wonders if all platonic soulmates have one person that suffers because they love so differently than their other half.

Dan finally takes his eyes off the mirror and walks out of the bathroom into the lounge, where Phil is lying on the couch.

“I need a vacation,” he tells his best friend.

Phil sits up and turns towards Dan.

“We have friends in Japan,” he says.

***

  
Japan is all Dan ever hoped for. It’s taking his breath away. Maybe that’s why he buys a can filled with air at the Mount Fuji. Phil makes fun of him for it, but Dan just teases Phil back about his black ice cream and his black tongue.

The Studio Gibli museum is also amazing. Dan wishes he could have taken pictures of the memories he made, instead he buys them with money in the gift shop. He also buys a lot of other souvenirs, but who could restrain themselves in the world biggest pokemon shop?

“I’m in love,” Dan blurts as he and Phil stand beneath the blossoming cherry trees.  It was the mixture of pastel colours, Phil’s soft smile and Dan feeling happy like he never felt before.

His heart just took over. Phil’s eyes are fixed on him. “With Japan,” Dan hurries to add.

Phil smile grows wider. “Me too,” he says. Dan feels a sting of disappointment that he didn’t go through with it. But on the other hand, maybe he and Phil are truly meant to only be platonic soulmates.

They stand on the balcony of their room on their last night in Japan. In front of them Tokio is lighting up.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Phil says and Dan can only agree. He could look at the town for the rest of his life.

“We should move here when we are old and grey,” Phil adds and then freezes. He slowly turns towards Dan, mild panic in his eyes. Dan just smiles.

“We totally should,” he says.

***

  
They don’t talk about their last night in Japan when the return home. They film a Japan haul video, edit their Japan vlog, and then act like it never happened. Dan knows they should talk about it. Maybe establish rules? Clarify where they stand. Dan doesn’t want to hold Phil back. Phil probably ended his denial about them being soulmates earlier than Dan did, and out of respect for their bond he never dated someone. It suddenly makes a lot of sense to Dan. Phil has always been more selfless, always more caring for Dan. Phil deserves to be with someone he loves. Phil of course loves Dan, but he loves Dan platonically and Dan can live with that. He is happy to take what ever Phil is willing to give. And he wants Phil to be happy, he knows how much Phil wants to marry and have a family, move into a house with two dogs and walls made out of glass. Dan wants all of that for Phil too, it doesn’t matter if Phil wants this with Dan or not.

That Phil is not in love with him is nothing new, nothing groundbreaking. And Dan needs to stop being egoistic, Phil can’t always be considerate of Dan.

They are cooking dinner in comfortable silence when Dan decides to tell Phil, that he doesn’t have to spare Dan’s feelings. But Phil is faster than Dan.

“I think you should start dating,” he says, and Dan almost drops the pan he was holding.

“W-What? Why?” he asks, his thoughts racing. Is Phil trying to get Dan to date so that he won’t feel so guilty for going on dates as well?

“To find someone you love,” Phil said continuing cooking like they were talking about the weather.

Dan almost lets out a laugh. Does Phil just expect him to fall out of love? That random hookups could replace the feelings he has for Phil? He doesn’t want anybody else, he wants Phil, and he knows he can’t have him.

“I am not gonna miraculously fall in love with someone else,” he tells Phil and Phil spins around, his eyes widened. Dan can’t bear to look at Phil, so he stares at the floor.

“But  that should not keep you from dating. We are soulmates but you don’t have any obligations towards me. You should go out there and find the love of your life.”

It hurts, it hurts so bad Dan fears he might start crying every moment. He could have been selfish. He could have told Phil that he can’t date anyone. But instead he decided to tear his heart in two halves. Because that what love does to you. It makes you rather want to hurt yourself, than see the one you love suffering. It’s self-destruction and pure stupidity, and Dan understands why immortals die from a broken heart.

“You want me to find the love of my life?” Phil asks, and Dan just nods, his eyes still glued to the floor. If he looks at Phil or talks, Dan is sure he won’t be able to hold back his tears.

There is a moment of silence before Dan can hear Phil move, and suddenly Phil is in Dan’s personal space. If he is going to give me a thank you hug I will throw up, Dan thinks. Instead Phil places his finger under Dan’s chin and lifts it up, forcing Dan to look into Phil’s deep, blue eyes.

“Look, I found them,” Phil whispers, his voice almost breaking. It takes a moment before the true meaning of Phil’s words hits Dan. He doesn’t know who kissed whom first, but suddenly they are. It’s soft and slow, like they are afraid that one of them could break any minute. Tears are streaming down Dan’s face, and Phil swipes them away with his thumb after they break apart. Dan lets out a little laugh that mixes with a sob. Phil cups is jaw and smiles softly.

“I’m glad you found me,” Dan says. “I never want to be lost again.”

***

  
_Epilogue_

 

  
“Are you sure about this?” Phil asks Dan. “We can still back out of this.”

Dan takes a deep breath and considers it. They could just pretend to be friends, they could pretend like they are not again, have not aged. It will become ridiculous in a few years, well it actually is already quite ridiculous to admit that they are not soulmates.

“I’m tired of hiding,” Dan says and entwines his fingers with Phil’s. "And I love you."

Phil gives him that special look filled with adoration, and Dan blushes a bit. He is still not quite used to receiving so much love from his best friend.

“Okay, lets go home,” Phil says, “I can’t wait for Dapgo to come out.”

“Hey, stop stealing my phrases,” Dan complains and nudges Phil playfully. “But yeah same.”

They turn to their editor and Phil says, “We decided to keep the last page in.”

“Okay,” their editor says and takes the laptop that was standing in front of Dan and Phil. “I will notify you when you shall get our own copy.”

“Thank you,” Dan says as he and Phil get up. They shake their editors hand and fingers entwined they leave the room.

The editor looks at the last page. It’s a picture of them from 2009, taken the day they met the first time, followed by a picture from 2016 reenacting the picture from 2009. The fact that they have aged is clear to see.  Underneath it it says:

_“We forgot the dedication. I dedicate this book to my soulmate.”_

_“Same.”_

The editor smiles and closes the laptop.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave kudos or even a comment if you liked it or even have a cheeky glance at  
> [my tumblr](http://fallenfortherighteous.tumblr.com/)


End file.
